


I'm Not Living, I'm Just a Shell

by mashiee



Category: aphmau - Fandom
Genre: And dark, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gene Deserves Better, Gene Most Definitely Needs a Hug, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mentions of Suicide, Nonbinary Character, PLEASE BE CARFEFUL WHEN READING THIS, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, Trans Male Character, and i live by that, but it has a good ending!!, but mainly sad, dante is the trans character btw, implied/referenced dysphoria, listen this is really really sad, no beta we die like women, none of this is graphic aside from gene's thought process, this is really messy btw, this probably has way more angst than is healthy to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:20:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27230347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mashiee/pseuds/mashiee
Summary: Before I get to the summary, please read the tags!! Don't read this if any of these things may trigger you!There isn't really a good way to give this a summary but basically, Gene and his existence of pure angst getting a happy ending.Plus a bonus brother, Shadow Knights, and a sister (I am talking about Cadenza).Or, in short, a really angsty character study.I apologize in advance for my long-ish beginning notes and overuse of exclamation marks in them.
Relationships: Gene & Cadenza Zvahl, Gene & Dante, Gene & Laurance Zvahl, Gene & Sasha, Gene & Zenix, Implied Gene/Laurance Zvahl
Kudos: 11





	I'm Not Living, I'm Just a Shell

**Author's Note:**

> \- Things to note! (These may be out of order.)  
> \- Dante’s dead name is mentioned and used, but only in the past before he decided to use a new name. Please be careful if this may trigger you.  
> \- Only mentioned like once, but as per my usual headcanon, Zenix is nonbinary.  
> \- This is also only mentioned once but, Cadenza and Laurance are Muslim. I saw an art piece by boodles-of-noodles on tumblr with Cadenza wearing a hijab, and it stuck ever since.  
> \- This does have mentions and descriptions of (not graphic) abuse, self-harm, self-hate, suicide and suicidal thoughts, and gender dysphoriya!!  
> \- Please, if this may trigger you, don’t read it!! Keep yourself safe!! If there is anything I missed in the warnings please tell me!  
> \- I hope you enjoy!

I can remember my life in detail.

I remember my parents' faces when I was little, being taught to crawl, to walk, to talk, being fed. All of it. 

I was given a shitty hand of cards from the very beginning.

I was born alive, but I wasn't living.

~~~

Life growing up was...tense. It was like a fake persona trying so hard to always keep itself in place. My parents _always_ yelled, too. I was used to it. When they told me that mom was pregnant—not that I knew what that meant at the time—I had wondered if that was what they were yelling about earlier.

I never really found out.

~~I probably didn’t need to. I was probably right.~~

~~~

Roughly about seven to eight months after that, my little sister was born.

Danielle.

I was only four, but I knew I loved her more than anything in the world.

* * *

Our father left when I was seven and Danielle was three.

I had protected Danielle from our mother later that night. I was curled in a ball over her.

I guess dad leaving must have set our mom off. 

It’s not an excuse for hurting her kids, of course, but it still must have hurt. 

~~~

That continued on for two more years, the abuse gradually getting worse and worse.

Eventually, I made a deal with my mom. A promise. She could hurt me as much as she wanted, however she wanted, but she could _never_ touch Danielle.

I didn’t expect her to agree, she never listened to anything we said.

For some reason, this time she did. 

~~~

Odd enough, she never broke that promise either.

Danielle stopped having to wear long sleeves and pants.

I got _really_ good at makeup.

* * *

When Danielle was in late elementary school she had told me she was uncomfortable as a girl.

I didn’t understand it at the time, so I didn’t think much about it.

* * *

I never had any friends until highschool. Sasha entered in the same year as me. She was my first friend. 

~~I still don’t know why she ever wanted to be my friend.~~

* * *

When Danielle was in 6th grade, she asked me to cut her hair really short. I got a beaming smile when I was done.

I still didn’t make the connection.

* * *

Zenix entered into school the next year. A year below Sasha and I. They were my second friend.

~~I don’t know why they wanted to be my friend either.~~

~~~

Laurance entered the same year as Zenix, but he entered in the middle of the year. He was my third friend.

~~I don’t know why anybody ever wanted to be my friend.~~

~~Nobody should.~~

~~~

I later realized that his sister was in the same grade as Sasha and I, too.

~~I’m not sure why I cared.~~

* * *

When Danielle was in 7th grade and I went to pick her up from school, a girl was talking to her. She asked why Danielle always wore pants and shorts.

She shrugged and said, “It just feels...right, I guess.”

I finally got it then.

~~~

When Danielle asked to talk with me the next week, I had a feeling I knew what it was about.

~~~

“I don’t...like...being called Danielle, I don’t...I don’t like being a girl.”

“Do you...like being a boy, then?”

“I-I think so, yeah.”

“Then you want to be called by a boy’s name, right?”

“Ye-yeah!”

“Hmm, what about Daniel?”

“No, that’s too close to the other name.”

“Hm....Dante?”

“...Yeah. Yeah, that’s perfect.”

~~~

I saved up money the summer before Dante got into high school to buy him a binder for his birthday. He was so happy. I didn’t think about it when buying the binder, but Dante told me he could go into high school being known as Dante, not someone else.

I savored his smile. I didn’t ever want to see it fall.

~~I knew I’d be the reason it did.~~

* * *

In middle school, we had gotten lunch from our school. 

When I got to highschool, because it was a private school, I had to bring my own lunch. They had school lunches, but they weren’t free. 

I always made Dante a lunch for school before.

But when he got to highschool, we didn’t have the money for both of us to have a lunch, so I stopped bringing one. 

I kept making them for Dante.

But I was okay with that.

~~~

Later in the year, our mom stopped taking care of us at all. She started leaving without saying anything. I had to work two jobs to buy us food and clothes. To pay bills. 

And if I usually didn’t eat dinner, telling Dante I had eaten earlier, when I really just had a granola bar—well, he didn’t need to know that.

I was okay with not eating dinner, and having to work more that I probably should have had to manage.

If Dante was okay, then I didn’t mind.

~~~

I went over to Sasha’s for the first time. I didn’t eat out of habit.

I said that I just wasn’t hungry.

They didn’t believe me. 

~~I wouldn’t either. I wasn’t trying to hide it.~~

~~~

Someone started sneaking a lunch into my locker soon after, always with notes for me to take care of myself.

The fourth time it happened I saw orange, silver, and brown hair turning the corner.

I cried a lot that night.

I snuck thank you letters into their lockers the next day.

* * *

Laurance left our group that summer. 

I missed him.

We never talked in person, but we texted each other everyday. Neither of us knew why. We never discussed it.

Laurance probably knew more about me than anyone else.

~~He must have been disgusted.~~

~~~

One night, after I got high as a rocket after smoking, I told Laurance about my scars, the ones my mom made, and the ones I made.

Laurance called me immediately.

We cried on the phone for hours that night.

~~I don’t know why he cared. I didn’t deserve it.~~

* * *

In my last year of school, I treated the people around me horribly.

I hated myself for it. I still hate myself for it. 

But I still did it.

I hated myself even more for that.

~~~

~~I hurt all those people who didn’t deserve it.~~

~~I knew they didn’t deserve it.~~

~~I didn’t blame anyone who hated me. I’d hate me too.~~

~~~

But worst of all, I did everything I could to hide it from Dante.

~~I was a coward.~~

I hated myself the most for that.

* * *

Laurance stopped liking me because of all the things I’d done.

~~I didn’t like me either.~~

~~~

But we still texted. Sometimes we called. 

I never knew why. 

~~I still don’t. No one should want to be anywhere close to me. I can only hurt people, I never heal.~~

* * *

Sometime close to the end of that year, Laurace found me on the roof. 

~~~

I looked down past the railing at the ground.

It was far away.

“Oh, there’s someone already on the roof.”

I jumped, whipping around.

Laurance’s previously calm face morphed into a scowl.

“Oh. It’s you.”

I put on my usual fake personality. Me, but with more cocky asshole, a lot less depression and anxiety, and a total wipeout of suicidal thoughts and tendencies.

“Aww! It’s so nice to see you care about me, Laurance! I’m touched.”

Laurance sneered. “Yeah. Sure. I care about you as much as I would gum on the bottom of my shoe.”

I gasped loudly and dramatically, almost gagging on accident. Being this fake when I’m at a point where I shouldn’t be acting the _most_ , _definitely_ did some damage. I coughed to cover it up. It sounded more like hacking. 

“I’m hurt, Laurance! I thought we were best friends! Maybe lovers, even.”

“I’d rather die than be your best friend, much less you lover.”

~~I would too. I wouldn’t want to be anything to me.~~

~~~ 

It was just a small conversation, with a lot of acting from both sides. 

But that conversation had saved my life.

I had been about to jump.

I didn’t want ~~Laurance~~ anyone to see it.

 _Laurance_ had saved my life.

He didn’t even know it.

~~I wish he hadn’t. I didn’t deserve it.~~

* * *

One night, I’d gotten back home late from work. Like really late. It was one of the rare times mom was home.

I was locking the front door one minute, and covering my ears and backed into a corner the next. 

I still don’t know why it happened, what set her off, but she yelled at me for several hours.

Eventually she stopped, standing over me, breathing heavily. I wouldn’t say a word. I couldn’t say a word, I was too afraid. 

I wasn’t afraid of much, but the thought that she may go after Dante next scared me shitless. 

~~He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve any of this shit life. Me, on the other hand, I deserved all of it. I deserved all of it and more.~~

* * *

She then spoke in a low whisper that I didn’t hear. 

“Get out.”

“What?”

“Get out. Get out of the house.”

“W-why?”

“I said get out of the house! Get out, get out! I never want to see your face again! You’re a _disgrace_ for a son! A _mistake_ ! If I _EVER_ see you again, _ANYWHERE_ , I WILL MAKE SURE YOU REGRET IT! _GET OUT!_ ”

I gulped and nodded, making a move to walk upstairs to at least say goodbye to Dante and get a bag.

“I SAID GET OUT!!” she shrieked.

“I-I am. I’m just going to say goodbye to-”

“ _GET!! OUT!!_ ”

~~~

Needless to say, I left. And I never stepped foot into that neighborhood again. 

~~I still won’t.~~

~~~

I never saw her again, either. 

~~I hope I never do.~~

~~~

Dante called me the next morning. I was at Sasha’s. I camped out there for the night. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. 

~~~

“Hello?”

“Gene! Where are you? Why aren’t you home? Whenever I ask mom about you, she turns away and goes silent.”

“I…” I took a deep breath and sighed. “Mom kicked me out of the house last night, Dante. I can’t ever come back.”

“...” 

Dante whispered, voice cracking, “Why?”

“...”

“I don’t know, Dante, I don’t know.”

* * *

I struggled to get into a college after that. One that would allow me to live in a dorm off campus. 

That way Dante could live with me. He had left the house himself _demanding_ to stay with me. 

~~I didn’t know why. Dante had found out about what I did in my senior year. I didn’t deserve any of the love Dante gave me.~~

~~~

It also had to be close enough to Dante’s school and would have to accept my low grades and gpa.

I finally got into one.

I had to make all my classes night classes because of my jobs, but I made it work.

It was difficult to take Dante to school everyday (little shit wouldn’t take the subway himself), work three jobs, pay rent, go to classes at night, study, and get _any_ sleep.

But I somehow managed.

~~I don’t know how. I can’t seem to do anything without destroying it.~~

* * *

~~I still thought about ending my life.~~

~~But I didn’t because I wouldn’t be able to take care of Dante.~~

~~I told myself I would wait until Dante was in his second year of college.~~

~~I didn’t know if I could last that long.~~

~~But I had to try for Dante.~~

* * *

Laurance went to the same college as me.

Neither one of us knew until I ran into Cadenza on the way out of our class.

I didn’t know _she_ went to the same college either.

 _Or_ that she was in the same class as me, for that matter.

She recognized me as one of Laurance’s friends.

~~I wanted to say that I doubted Laurance considered me a friend.~~

~~I didn’t.~~

~~~

She mentioned that Laurance went here too, he was planning to go into the culinary arts.

I thought it fit. I could always tell what food Laurance made in my lunch.

His food always tasted the best.

~~~

Cadenza somehow convinced me to have lunch with them the next day.

Conveniently, or not-so-conveniently, I had a free two hours at that time.

It became a routine for us.

~~~

Cadenza and Laurance would sometimes visit my apartment.

They would usually weasel their way into staying several hours.

I even told them about the spare key taped on the underside of my plant.

~~I wanted to be mad.~~

~~I knew they were saving my life, my spiraling hole of depression.~~

* * *

~~It wasn’t enough.~~

* * *

I’ve cut myself before, of course I have.

The scars--new and old--littered all over my arms and thighs proved that.

I did it this morning. I did it last night.

But this cut would be different. 

I don’t plan for it to leave a scar.

I’ll be dead before that.

~~~

I put the box cutter to my forearm.

And I cut.

~~~

I blearily take note of the blood that was coming out of my wound. 

_Hm. It’s coming out faster than I thought it would. Oh well. I don’t mind. It just means I’ll die faster._

I start to lose consciousness, as I look up at the ceiling. 

_Everything is going black. Good._

~~~

Distantly, I think about how I didn’t make it until Dante’s second year in college.

_I didn’t even make it until Dante’s summer before his first year in college. Hah, I guess it’s fitting. I never have lived up to any of my promises._

~~_I’m not sure I ever could._ ~~

~~_Probably not._ ~~

~~~

I fade in and out of consciousness, not yet fully blacking out.

I forget why.

I stop thinking about it.

I hear something drop and shatter, and a scream. I slowly turn my head. Everything is spinning. I see a blur of orange. 

I fade into darkness, wondering why Laurance is crying.

* * *

I wake up to white ceilings and a splitting headache.

I try to move my head.

I get dizzy instead. 

_Everything is spinning. Why is everything spinning._

_…_

_I guess I’ll have to wait a few minutes before I can see what I’m looking at._

_…_

_It’s...an orange lump. On the side of my bed._

_…_

_There’s another one next to it?_

I turn my head to the other side. I have to wait again.

_…_

_There's another lump._

_Except it’s blue._

~~~

I look ahead, thinking.

I take in my surroundings, realizing I’m on a hospital bed.

_I must be in the hospital for some reason._

_I guess I must have lost a lot of blood. I’m connected to an IV._

~~~

I widen my eyes, sucking in a sharp breath as I realize.

_We don’t have the money to pay for this!_

_Not even close!_

~~~

Then, my thoughts start pushing at the corners of my mind, and I actually realize.

I stop breathing.

_I know why I’m here._

~~I hate myself more in this moment than I ever have.~~

* * *

_I was going to leave Dante alone._

_Leave Laurance and Cadenza, Sasha and Zenix._

_I was going to leave the people who had been holding my out of the darkest part of my pit of depression._

_I’d never get to say thank you._

_I’d never get to repay them._

~~_I doubt I could ever do that, but I could have tried._ ~~

* * *

I realize I started crying.

I continue crying for a while before anyone wakes up.

* * *

Laurance wakes up first, Cadenza right after, stirring from his movement.

They look awful. 

Laurance has bags under his eyes and obvious tear tracks. His hair is a mess.

Cadenza has eye bags and tear tracks too, but they’re covered up by her running eyeliner and mascara. The stuff even got on her hijab and shirt. I can see an imprint of it in my bed sheets, too.

We all stare at each other, all holding our breath.

My tears are still running.

~~~

I jerk to turn as I hear the shuffling of clothes and sheets on the other side of me. 

I stop myself.

I’m afraid to turn.

I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

“...”

Dante speaks first, in a broken and cracked voice.

“Gene, please look at me.”

“...”

“Please...”

I turn.

I cry harder.

Dante isn’t far behind.

* * *

As Laurance and Cadenza come to the other side of the bed, coming to cry with us—

As Sasha and Zenix burst through the door, already crying—

As I see all the people who take my broken, broken hands and journey with me in my permanent hell—

I finally start living.

**Author's Note:**

> \- After notes!  
> \- I’m not to sure how well I did in depicting a transgender character and their dysphoria, so please tell me any advice you have!  
> \- This was something I wrote in like two hours, so it may not all connect. Oh well. I had fun writing it.  
> \- Tell me what you think! Comments are always appreciated and make my day!


End file.
